Doing Crossfit is a giveaway that you are a huge douche-bag.
You guys want to know how to be able to tell if someone does Crossfit? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
In fact, they will make sure to tell you within seconds of meeting you, and then they’ll proceed to talk about Crossfit and nothing else. This just happened to me on my lunch break: I was going to ask for no onions on my sandwich but cool, you flip tires in your spare time; now I know. Thanks, and I’ll take my sandwich to go.
I don’t know when exactly it happened but Crossfit is a big thing now. Crossfit studios are popping up everywhere. Anywhere that fitness is remotely a thing, there’s a least three different Crossfit studios around. If you live in a big city or on a college campus, forget about it. Left and right, here and there, POP! POP! Nothing ruins a nice morning stroll than a group of girthy people running behind you carrying tires above their head while moaning and groaning with veins popping out of their necks. Like, I’m just trying to get myself a Skinny Vanilla Latte and you’re ruining it for me. (I wonder if Crossfitters order a Bulky Vanilla Latte, sub espresso, add protein.)
Crossfit is for sure a cult and nothing else. Here, I’ll prove it to you. Have you ever met someone who just dabbles in a little Crossfit? No. Everyone you meet that does Crossfit is a little something like this:
(while clenching fists, thrusting, bouncing and probably spitting)
“YEAH I DO CROSSFIT! TRAIN EVERYDAY MAN! IRON PLAYGROUND! I LOVE IT! WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT PALEO DIET?! HASHTAG PALEO. HASHTAG CROSSFIT. CROSSFIT IS A LIFESTYLE. IT’S MY LIFE. CROSSFIT, F YEAH.”
(…just a mild preview for you.)
Look, I totally comprehend how it’s a ‘manly’ thing to do Crossfit and have that ridiculous body but if you’re showing up to a cookout primarily for the protein and not the cleavage and sundresses, you are not a real man. You’re just a random guy with aggressive veins eating too much chicken.
If you’re a girl who is really into Crossfit, then…my advice to you is to ditch the Crossfit studio and walk next door to the Yoga studio. Guys want to see you in tree pose, not literally picking up a tree.
I have a feeling that it’s a rule in the Crossfit community that once you leave Crossfit, you go and tell everyone you know that you went to Crossfit (either before or after you try to convince them to participate in the paleo diet.) Speaking of the paleo diet, um, please go away. It’s cool if you want to eat like a caveman, whatever, do you your thing. You want to know what would be even cooler? Not talking about it all the damn time. If you paleo people keep professing your obsessions for ‘caveman’ life, then I’m pretty sure you will end up living an actual caveman life and no one will want to be around you. Get back in your cave and shut the fuck up about your weighed out meat and nuts!